I had a very interesting weekend. Yesterday, my dad went to some car show, so my mom decided to go to the Toledo Zoo by herself to watch the gorillas. My mom likes gorillas. I didn't go, but I met her for dinner afterwards and we had a good time.
My mom is going through a "midlife crisis" kind of thing. Not that it's a crisis, but I think she's working on things with her therapist. I found a book in her car that said "Codependent No More". She's also been going out to eat by herself, going to the movies by herself, and watching gorillas and guerillas by herself. So I think she's trying to assert her independence and separate herself from my father. She went to the movies for the first time by herself a few months ago. Also, she went to a sit-down restaurant for the first time by herself. She talked to me once, how she thinks that she should be able to go to a bar or restaurant by herself, but she feels weird. I told her that's normal, and a lot of people feel that way. In addition, I asked her what she thinks when she sees someone alone. Chances are they aren't lonely, even if you think they are. Anyway, she wants to do more things by herself.
Even though my mom and I are very similar in personality, I am not co-dependent. I am the opposite of co-dependent. I'm very independent, and therefore I don't understand co-dependency. I go out to the movies by myself all the time. I go out to eat by myself. I'll go to a bar, or parties, etc by myself. Oftentimes, I wish I was more co-dependent, because I wish I wanted people in my life. Most of the time I don't. I'm quite content to be by myself. I often feel like I should want someone around me at all times. Some people are always in a relationship, always live with people, always have to be near people. I can easily go a day and not talk to someone.
I think it's interesting that my mom is trying to change herself now. I don't blame her. I'm afraid if my dad died, she would have nothing and would fall apart. I don't know if she would, but I'm afraid that's one possibility. I'm also afraid that I'll be alone forever. I don't know if that's true, but it's going in that direction.
Why don't I like anyone? I don't know. I wish I knew where it came from. I have the sneaking suspicion that it comes from an unfounded belief that I can't rely on anyone but myself.
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I wonder if the opposite of co-dependency is reclusion... I also think replevin falls in there somewhere, but anyway. I went to a bar review alone once and a group of girls said -- that's so awesome that you came alone! I thought, wow, you are all pathetic. But they were probably thinking that same thing about me, so who knows. It's funny that the more jadded people get the more they become both independent and co-dependent at the same time. Which of course doesn't work out in the end, so they become reclusive.
The Colleague
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