Hit Me With Your Best Blog

The sun appeared briefly, just to let us know that he is still alive and well. However, Cold seeped in and reminded us that the sun is powerless for another 3 months.

This weekend I had a visit from some friends in Toledo. No one ever visits in Toledo, so I was very appreciative. We went to BW3's, hung out, watched a weird movie called "Japanese Hell" and hung out in Media Play for their going out of business sale. It was splendid. Splendiferous even. Dare I say coniferous? Ok, it wasn't coniferous.

My friend Jason is moving to Alabama on Saturday. He and several friends went to A2 on Friday night to go to be bar. I declined because I had guests coming and it was very short notice. However, I felt awful that I couldn't attend. I had an extensive discussion about this with the Colleague. Based on advice from Counsellor Sherry, we determined that it was based on guilt. However, I didn't feel guilty really. I thought about it and I know that I would have liked it if I was in the same situation if my friend would have come, but at the same time, I would have understood and not been that upset. Then we discovered that I would feel guilty if no one showed up at the bar, and then Jason didn't have a good time. Somehow I feel a responsibility to make everyone's lives ok, and when that happens I feel guilty and sad and stressed. This is not good. I'm not responsible for any one else's life. I try to do what I can for others with the resources I have available, but I cannot take the responsibility on myself, not any more at least. There is no malice, but I feel that people know my propensity towards mediation, accepting responsibility, and taking care of others, and therefore they take advantage of it, and take it for granted. I was easily suceptible to guilt and persuasion. This is too heavy a burden to bear. I've been taking care of so many people for so long, that I've neglected myself. This will end.

On New Year's Day, I slept over at a friend's place. Two of my friends live next to each other. They had gotten in a fight the night before. I found myself walking between their two places because I wanted to see both of them. As I was walking between their houses, all I could think of is that I'm making sure both are ok, and neither is alone. But who is taking care of me? Who is walking to my place for me? The worst part is that I wasn't even taking care of myself. I'm not trying to complain about New Year's day. I had a lot of fun, and it wasn't a big deal. But I think it represented a larger problem in my life. This will end.

I told The Comrad once, that he should never look towards the door, because the best thing in the room is already there. This is the truth, but I find it incredibly difficult to take my own advice. How does one go from hating oneself to loving oneself? I told the Comrad once that I would give anything to be anyone but myself. I find this incredibly sad. First, I don't know why I hate myself so much. It's illogical, but I still feel the same. Second, why even waste one second pondering something that I can never change? It's stupid. And then I beat myself up for being such a loser and hating myself, and thus the cycle continues. This will end.

But you know what? I'm smart. I'm caring and compassionate. I'm the best listener you can get for free. I know how to hold great conversations. I'm interesting. I'm layed back and easy going, but I can stick up for myself if I need to. I'm creative. I'm witty. I'm one of the funniest people on Earth. I'm logical and think objectively. I have a great career and a great future to look towards. I'm kind and generous, selfless and giving.

I have no regrets. I have no ill feelings. I don't resent my actions or anyone's actions. But I'm not going to take care of others before my own needs anymore. I need to take care of myself. I'm not walking between everyone's houses anymore. You can come to me.

Judgment Reversed. It is so ordered.