Found A Message in the Sand, It Read "Just Do The Best You Can"

My friend Amanda had an interesting post tonight. It's all about rejection and the reasons for rejection, which I have been thinking a lot about lately. Law school is all about rejection and competition. I don't know how many people in law school I have talked to have asked me how many resumes I've sent out. The standard answer is ZERO. I haven't sent any out* since I'm not getting a job at a big firm, I don't want a job at a big firm, and I'm going to get a job somewhere. However everyone wants to know how much you've done so they know if they can do more, or less. It's stupid. I need to stop worrying about how everyone else is doing and just focus on myself.

I'm going to owe up to everything now: I'm not on Law Review, I'm not on Moot Court, I'm not a TA, I'm not in the Top 10%, I'm not the president of every organization, I didn't have a job at a swanky law firm this summer with unisex bathrooms**, I don't have a 4.0. I'm fine with everything. I am. I didn't apply for law review or moot court because I was ill and I didn't want to. I didn't work this summer because I had a Spring Semester of Hell. I'm not in the top 10% because people did better than me for a plethera of reasons. I'm fine with it. Such is my lot. But I feel like everyone is trying to make it an issue, a competition. I think the LR/MC kids should be proud, they done good, but they don't need to mention it in every social coversation***.

I was telling a friend the other day who was having a LSE (Low Self-Esteem) Day. I gave him some advice, some esteem-boosters, some affirmations, and I realized these are all things I need to tell myself. I need to repair my IALAC (I Am Lovable And Capable) Tag. Why is it that the person who hates me the most is myself (besides fundamental religious zealots)? I need to finally be on my own side. I think it's really sad when there are people who think they're fat, and I would give anything to be their size. Or people who think they're ugly, and I would do anything to look like them. It amazes me that even the prettiest, the smartest, the most personable, the nicest, the most interesting people still hate themselves a little.

Of course, I know what I have to do, it's not that hard. But I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to get going on changing my mind, my life, my entire perception of the world. Every journey starts with one step. Maybe mine starts by doing the dishes. Maybe it starts by sending 5000 resumes. Maybe it starts by accepting Jesus as my lord and sailor. Maybe it starts by typing the letter Q. Q.

In the grand tradition of what Dan calls "selfishly dramatic and so very adolescent" I shall post the lyrics to a song that seems poignant. It's called "Strangers" by my favorite band, James:

"Found a message in the sand
It read 'just do the best you can'
This world's not how I planned
You're on your own

No one can hear you
They're just talking all the time
There's the world and you're outside
Your home's hard to find
Your home's hard to find

Worn down by strangers
All you need's a friend
You've been worn down by strangers
This is not the end

Guess it's hard to settle down
When love's been spread all around the town
I'm no stranger to this room
My highs just serve to bring me down
I hope to change now
From a sorry state of mind.
I had hoped for heart to heart
My heart's hard to find
My heart's hard to find

Worn down by strangers
All you need's a friend
You've been worn down by strangers
This is not the end
(This is not the end)

Worn down by strangers
All you need's a friend
You've been worn down by strangers
All you need's a friend
By strangers
by strangers
by strangers

(This is not the end)
(this is not the end)
This is the end."

This weekend was fun. The Colleague and I watched "So You Think You Can Dance?" which is less about Dance and more about a Roller Coaster Ride of Emotion. It's lovely. We also watched the Emmys which we decided was the most boring worst show ever. I'm never watching another awards show. The Colleague and I went to the bar on Thursday for bar review. I am disenchanted with the bar review. I really don't like a lot of the people in law school. Nothing personal, we just don't have anything in common. So I feel like I tag along behind the Colleague and cramp her style. I'm sure I don't, but I feel that way. We are attached at the hip and I think that people talk about it and think it's weird. I don't know. Of course there was drama at the bar review which prompted us to have and early departure, which was fine by me anyway.

Have you seen the movie "Threesome"? It's not great, but is still one of my most favorite movies ever. I feel like I'm slowly moving in that Threesome like direction and I find it intriguing and scary. I hope I don't have to experience the ending even though I can see us slowly moving in that direction....

* Ok, I've sent out resumes, but just this weekend.
** Jay seems to think that a good law firm has unisex bathrooms and a partner called "The Biscuit"
*** You might say to me "Bitter much?" and I might say to you "F-off, you don't need to tell me your on law review every two seconds and then have the odacity to complain about it's difficulty."