To explain what I was talking about before.... My father has been sick for most of my life, not really sick, sick, but he had congestive heart failure and eventually had a heart transplant. Well, the problem is that for like 10 years, I felt that his problems trumped my own, and I didn't want to burden either of my parents with my problems because they had too much to deal with. So I told myself that my problems were not worth hassling other people, since they were trivial or unimportant. This got even worse when my mom got sick and so I felt that both of my parents didn't need to deal with my problems so I kept it all inside. The problem is that I have never burdened anyone with my problems or concerns or anything. I just keep everything inside, trying to deal with it, but instead I have internalized the pain and frustration and constantly told myself that because my problems are not as important as those of others, and therefore I am not as important as others.
Things have gotten worse lately since I've been sick and I don't feel like anyone cares. Though many people have expressed concern and have helped me, I feel angry that when I really needed help because I had really serious problems, and I had never bothered them before, they did nothing. Therefore, I feel like I've been used and taken for granted, and still people are trying to burden me with their problems but for once mine are more important than theirs, but no one cares. I try to talk but no one listens. Or the conversation is turned around to a topic about them, and once again I'm made to feel that my problems aren't important. It's very frustrating and makes me very angry. But I keep the anger inside, because when I try to express it, no one listens or cares.
The only postive aspect is that I feel that I have grown from others failures and my own. I actually know how to listen and I care when people talk about their own problems. I think I'm a good listener and a good friend and a good confidente. I try not to preach. I keep secrets pretty well ( for being a huge gossip...) and I just listen to what people have to say.
I don't really know how to proceed. Do I force people to listen to me? Do I make people listen about my problems? What happens if they don't? Do I let them go? The bottom line is that I need to start communicating and getting what I need from people. I just wish I knew how....
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3 comments:
I wrote a big long thing and then I realized I should probably just email you.
Beckie
I know how you feel. I'm used to being there for other people and it seems when I need something, no one is there for me and I just have to deal with it on my own. I'm not very good at getting the point across that I need something from someone without either sounding like I'm begging or I'm desperate because they generally won't listen to me unless I keep begging. I hate that, though. I think it's just that the majority of people these days are only concerned about what's going on in their lives until a major crisis happens to make them realize that other people have problems too. I don't think that most people are purposely selfish and inconsiderate. I think most of the time they just aren't aware that the way they act comes across that way.
I don't have any answers for you, but I know how you feel. The title of this post caught my eye because all my life I've been told that if I fell short on something or didn't fulfill a promise, etc. that anything I had to say in my defense was ALWAYS an excuse. There were no explanations, just excuses. I guess growing up that way makes it so I'm very hesitant to commit to anything or make promises as much now, because if I didn't come through for whatever reason, that reason would always be deemed just an excuse. OK, I'm babbling now, so I'll end this comment before it gets any longer.
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