ACT I
[Scene: Ryan is at home playing tiddly winks. There is a knock at the door.]
RYAN: Hi.
FEDEX: Here is your non-damaged, totally repaired laptop. [Runs away. Quickly.]
RYAN: So I got my computer back today! Yay! What? What's on the other side of the box? Oh, it's a big hole. Oh my stars and garters, is the laptop damaged? Oh it is! Shoot. Theres a big hole where the metal on a panel on the bottom of my laptop is bent into the motherboard. Oh well, that means that I will have to go for a few more weeks with out a computer. Unless...
[Ryan enters Room of Enchantment.]
RYAN: I summon thee, Astaroth Cox-Arquette, Destroyer of Worlds, Keeper of the Bangle's Eternal Flame, Botanist Extraordinare, and Revenger of All Things Customer Service. I command this to rise from the depths of hell and seek revenge on those preventing me from having a fully functioning notebook PC!
ASTAROTH: Yo. You interrupted my Texas Hold 'Em game.
RYAN: Fly deamon-spawn! Cast down your firey rain upon the infidels keeping me from my wi-fi and iTunes!
ASTAROTH: Why?
RYAN: Because I command thee.
ASTAROTH: What's with the "thee"s?
RYAN: For dramatic flair. Now go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Astaroth leaves] Why me? I want my computer!!!!
[Astaroth Cox-Arquette goes to India, and attempts to peacefully talk the HP reps into repairing the computer very quickly.]
ASTAROTH: By the power of hell, I bequeath you to quickly repair Ryan's laptop. Here's the case number.
RADJ: We will have the "Quality Department" call in 48 hours.
ASTAROTH: Deal!
[Astaroth returns to Ryan's apartment.]
ASTAROTH: Quality will call you in 48 hours. Later.
RYAN: I would have summoned Mindy Cohn but it's so hard to get the bib on her.
ANNOUNCER GUY: Find out what happens next time on "Generally Inhospitable".
4 comments:
Hee... that made me chuckle. But I'm sorry to hear that FedEx has gorillas working in their handling department.
Astaroth is a 'ho. Don't tell it I said that.
Beckie
That is fricking crazy! Those FedEx bastards!
Is your hard drive ok? If so, let me know if there's any files you want off it. I think I can put it in my laptop and them pull them to another comptuer on my network.
I'll have Sexy Shiva on standby if they give you any crap about getting you a new laptop! Fie on HP and FedEx!!!
Forgot that when I shipped my computers home from Ny-Ny, there was a hole in he side of one of the boxes. The 'puter was fine, though. Also, they "lost" one of the boxes in their warehouse and it didn't arrive for a month or so. FedEx + Computers = Suckiness.
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