Puedo hablar espanol bien ahora.

I couldn't post for a long time because I couldn't log into blogger from my parents pc. I thought the site was down, then I adjusted some internet settings and now I'm in! I rokk!

I've been pretty busy lately:
- bought a new car (2001 Saturn)
- moved a lot of stuff to Toledo
- painted some shelves black
- painted a cart yellow
- fixed my blue chair
- painted a chest of drawers
- took a xanax
- went out on my parents boat
- started learning spanish
- went to shipshewanna
- went to frankenmuth

*Now for the self-depricating part that no one likes*

I'm miserable right now. I need a change. I need to be a different person. I need to become Olivia Joules ( or some other bad-ass alias) and move away from my past. I feel typecast and bitter and trapped. It's weird. There are a lot of things I wouldn't change, but then there are some big things that I haven't changed. It's my fault. I let myself go, but I don't want to any more. I want to explore parts of me that are not available or have not yet been explored. I want to become who I am, a whole person, not just a shell. I was to move on. I want to feel again.

I think I know what's holding me back, and I think you do to. I don't know if I told you but even if I haven't you can probably figure it out.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Everyone is too self-absorbed to see the pain they put me through. But it's all my fault, or so they say, what am I to do? Should I move on and change my name and leave the past behind? Or should I crumble and fade and fall to the wayside? Should I get up, kick them in the balls and give myself a kick too? I need to leave, but still stand right where I am. I need to stop denying who I am and do what I've gotta do. I gotta leave guilt far behind, I gott stop telling lies. To myself. To anyone. But is it possible to just go and leave everything behind? Or to cross off people from your list shoulders on which to cry? Or should I throw my hands up in the air and say, "I don't give a f*ck"? But you know I can't because I think I care to much. And I'm lost in the smell of cheap champagne and I'm caught in a rut. Will you recognize me in a year? You won't if I have a say. Because the sky is blue, and I have a feeling it will all turn out ok. So take my hand if you're not scared and we'll chase the night away...


I feel bad for everything I've ever done. The hard part of a great memory is that I remember every mistake I ever made and I can't seem to let go.