Saturday Salvaged

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...in a surprising turn of events.

I went out for Beckie's birthday last night. I met Beckie's law school friends including one named Nicole. We started off at Time and then moved to Tiki Bob's. I talked to Nicole alot and she said that she liked to go to Q and I told her if she goes she should call me because I'd like to go. Then we just started talking and joking around. I was instantly drawn to her. I've never felt this way about anyone, especially a girl. I said at the beginning of the night I was going to hook up with a chick. I didn't think I would...

Soon we were holding hands and laughing and just having fun. She was drunk. I was not. Then we talked about boys and how she loves gay boys because she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Then she said that she loved Cher because Cher is a gay man in a woman's body. I concur. I don't really know what happened but we kissed, a lot. It was odd for me. Then she said I was adorable, we exchanged numbers, and went home. I *heart* Nicole. After the bar, it was pouring and I ran to the car and though it was only a block away I was drenched. The interesting thing was I didn't mind because I felt cleansed. Baptized in a new attitude.

I realized that Nicole is the only person that I can think of who said I was "adorable" or who has ever complimented me on my appearance in a non-negative way. Seriously. No one ever says "Ryan you're hot" or "Ryan you're cute". It's always "Ryan, you are so smart" or "Ryan you're the funniest person on Earth!" or "You have such a great personality". Blah. I appreciate the compliments but the absence of comments about my appearance makes me feel VERY insecure and, frankly, ugly. I've pretty much resolved that I look like a burn victim and moved on. Of course, this is not true at all. I haven't moved on. I feel that the reason is I'm physically unattractive is because of my weight. People who weigh like 400lbs are not hot. I'd really like to know if I'd be hot, if I lost like 200lbs. Is that all I have to do to get people to want me? If I was skinny, but ugly, I'd want to know because then I won't try to lose weight and I'll eat my self into a grave below the drive through window. But what if I was hot if I lost weight? Or what if attractiveness is just a state of mind? Not like "beauty in the eye of the beholder" but one who holds himself to be attractive, will be attractive to others. Perhaps, it is rooted in confidence (which I don't have). Or maybe it comes from some other place. I feel guilty for wanting to be hot, because it makes me feel shallow. I know though that attractiveness is all that matters. It brings the boys to the yard. It's cruel that I can't bring the boys to the yard, but I have what it takes to keep them in the yard. Who else could use Kelis for an introspective metaphor? Who else would want to? Maybe it's not my appearance that is unattractive, but my blatant self-hatred. Maybe I look like I'm rotting on the outside because I'm rotting on the inside.

But I've got something. I know that. I have so many friends and I can get along with anyone in the world. But what is stopping me from going for more than friends? Jenn asked if I wanted to date. Sadly I don't know. In some ways I want to, but in others I don't. My crushes tend to be towards people who are unattainable (ie. straight). That's a defense mechanism. If I know from the beginning that they don't want me, then I won't get hurt. I won't get rejected because I'm ugly, but because they're not into guys or something. But I do get hurt. I get hurt everytime.

I can't get close to anyone because I'm afraid I'll lose them. I've dealt with too much mortality at too young an age and it's made me lock myself up inside. I think I lost the key. I can't even say I love someone, anyone, because it scares me too much. If I don't love anyone, I can't get hurt. I'm invincible. And alone.

This post wasn't supposed to go in this direction. It just flowed out of my fingertips. The point was supposed to be that I had a great time. My Saturday was salvaged and I have a vastly different perspective than I did 24 hours ago.

So now I'm going to sit here and watch the rain fall on the saturated earth....