This is basically what Jenn and I talked about. Jenn was talking about exes and Takkun. She said
that it's weird to date Takkun because he's a friend. She said that she's different from most
people because she normally meets guys and dates them and they become friends during the
courtship, but it didn't start as a friendship. I told her that I believe that's the normal
approach. Most people don't date their friends.
Due to the serial monogamistic relationships of people, it's possible to have many friendships and
only one relationship (casual sexual encounters or non-serious lovers are not really an issue,
since they are not exclusive). This means is that the many friendship "slots" are normally
filled. Because these "slots" are filled, people don't actively seek friends, at least not very
often. On the other hand, if the relationship "slot" is empty people actively look for someone to
fill it. When they find someone they could be a friend, but because of the strong friend base,
they are immediately tried as a romantic relationship. If they are not a mate for a relationship,
they are left to the wayside.
In "normal" heterosexual relationships gender roles are well defined. Both men and women
"normally" are only friends with people of the same gender (men are friends with men, women with
women). This leaves the opposite gender reserved for dating exclusively. If you're a man, all
men are friendship prospects, but women are placed in the relationship "slot". If there is no
compatablity or potential for a relationship, it ends and there is no further interaction. If
there is no attachment or the relationship goes well there is nothing really lost (like a
friendship).
However, in alternate situations when gender roles are less defined or in homosexual
relationships, friendships and courtships play out differently. Because gender isn't the line
dividing relationships and friendships, the line is much more arbitrary. In this situations
friendships are formed and kept separate from relationships. Gay men, lesbians, and heterosexuals
with less strictly defined gender roles can put people in a friendship or relationship "slot". For
example, to a gay man, a straight man, woman or lesbian would fit only in the frienship "slot".
Another gay man could fit in the friendship OR relationship "slot". This blurs the lines of
relationship and friendship with another gay man. There are also complications to the friendship
where a straight woman might want a romantic relationship with a gay man. Or a gay man would want
a relationship with a straight man. In both of these examples the relationship would fail because
it's not reciprocated.
For all genders and sexualities, friendships remain stronger than relationships, at least
intially. Almost everyone has a solid friend base and most people don't want to jeopardize this.
If a person were to date a friend, and the relationship ended badly, the friendship, along with
any other interrelated friendships, have the potential to be destroyed. Most people don't want to
risk that or if they had serious interest in dating the person, they would have already. It's
possible for a romance to develop from friendship but that's rare, mostly because people already
know their feelings for their friends. In rare instances where a friend would like to be in a
relationship with another, the other friend may not reciprocate the same emotions. This could
also make it awkward and so the friendship ends. People may not feel that this is worth the risk.
