The Boomerang Generation

I saw a book at B&N the other day called "Boomerang Nation" which described how to move back home and get out of debt. It also said that 18-35 million digenarians* currently live at home in this situation or similar. It made me wonder are we now the "Boomerang Generation"? Are we known as the generation with massive debt who lives with our parents until we can afford more? Will we be able to afford more ever? I'm frightened that this is what we've become.

My mom told me today that Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring. As the swing vote for Roe v. Wade on the Supreme Court I am very fearful of what will happen. She also told me that O'Connor and Renquist graduated in the same class from law school and that they dated. That's kind of weird. I wonder if they "did it"...eww.

I have come to realize that I am bad at all board games. This weekend I have lost at Michigan Rummy, Gin Rummy, Rummicub and Scrabble. I think I also lost at Mad Libs and it's not even a game really. I think the only one I'm good at is Trivial Pursuit. I seem to usually win at that for some reason. Maybe I'm bad because I don't care. Winning never matters to me. It's just the challenge and the fun that ensues. Maybe I'm just not competitive enough to try so hard. I did learn an important lesson: vula is not a word...but should be.

I went out on the pontoon with my Mom tonight. I love driving around the lake and picking apart the rich peoples houses and deciding why their house was designed poorly and looks so ugly. It's especially fun when they are out on their porch and they can hear us on the water.

I also drank much Coke Zero and though I like the taste, I don't like it because it tastes flat. I drink pop for the carbonation, and if there is no carbonation, I don't want to drink it. This has been determined by a double-blind placebo study.

My reading list has greatly expanded lately. In queue are "A Better Place" by Mark A Roeder, "Metes and Bounds" by Jay Quinn, "The Dante Club" by Some Guy who isn't Dante, "The World of Normal Boys" by J.M. Soehnline (or something), "Babyville" by Jane Green, "Running With Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs. Then I am also waiting to read the latest by David Sedaris (when its cheaper) and for the new books by Nick Horby, Michael Cunningham, and Jane Green to come out in paperback. On top of all that I will drop everything for the new Harry Potter. So much reading. So little time. Then I still have to catch up on my NetFlix queue. Argh. I really should be doing more self enriching stuff but I don't wanna. I just want to escape. For a little while at least.

There has also been a disturbing trend of late in my psyche. I want to do destructive things. I want to do drugs. I don't know why. I've avoided them my whole life, but I feel like I'm missing out and that I should get out and "live a little". I also just want to spend money on stupid stuff, rack up large amounts of debt. I've also had fantasies of just leaving. One day just walking off into the woods and disappearing. Or maybe change my name and start a new life. Or wishing I got amnesia, so I could just start life all over again. I also don't want to see people that annoy me or I dislike in anyway. I feel like I have had to put up with too many people I hate and I'm tired of it. I don't know how long I have left and I don't want to waste it on people that I don't want to be around. But then I don't know how to tell someone I don't like them and I don't want to see them. It's hurtful, I know. I don't want to do it out of cruelty or spite, but rather out of a preservation of what little time I have left. I don't feel like I'm depressed, I don't want to end my life. I just want to do something new. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin, or there is too much pressure holding me back and I want to leave it all behind. I feel as if I've been living a lie for 26 years. I have put up such a front and I have cultured and contrived such a false pretentious life that I feel its no longer me. It seems that every day I have to wake up and put on a brave face, because if I don't then the world will know that it is dying and I can't let that happen. I keep smiling because I can't let anyone know what is wrong. I have to keep the secret to myself. I have to be vigilant and strong, lest the world collapse and whither and melt.

I think this goes back to a previous discussion: why can't we just say what we feel? Why can't we love who we want to love, and just say it. Why can't we just let go and be ourselves and tell someone they're awesome...and have them actually believe it? Why can't we believe it when someone tells us we're awesome? Why do we hate oursleves more and more? It seems to go back to the same source. We're all hiding behind masks. Masks of who we think we should be. Masks of who people want us to be. Masks of who we think we have to be. We hide. We tell lies. To ourselves and others. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I don't know what to do.

It all comes down to the fact that I feel like I almost died. I'm just waiting for the cancer to some back. In my lungs. In my stomach. In my brain. I don't have much time left. I'm fading fast. I'm powerless to stop anything. I'm powerless. I'm nothing.

I know there are people out there in sadness. I know there are people our there in fear. I know that people feel the way I feel, but it's as if we are a world apart. I wish I could comfort them. I wish we could all be happy or failng that, just ok. But it seems that is not meant to be.

*I have coined the term "digenarian" instead of the less refined "twenty-something". If anyone has anything more appropriate, let me know.