Afraid, Not Scared

Easter was low-key but fine. Church was slightly annoying, but not bad. It seems that lately my church or the Catholic Church has been changing stuff around, specifically when you sit and when you stand and when you kneel. Why change that? It was fine. I want to keep with the tradition I've always had. Now, I don't know what to do. That and I think that the Catholic Church is obsolete for me. Why go to church if they don't really want me there? I don't really go anymore, and when I go, it's for my mom, because she cares and church is painless so it's something I can do. Oh, and they are now talking about installing pool for "full immersion" for baptism. That's like what protestants do. If that's what you believe, that's great. It's just they're changing all these little things about catholicism, making it less...catholic. Cue the rock band.

I have radiation again this week. It makes me feel icky, and tired. It was nice to have a break. I was able to recover. I am surprised how something you can't see or feel can affect you so much. Odd.

I'm really tired of school. Essentially I've given up and I hate myself for that. This semester has just been too much. I'm tired. I'm sick. And I feel like I'm going to fail regardless so I don't want to try. I will probably pass my classes. I will probably do fine. But I was poised to do really well, and now that's been shot down. I don't have the time or energy to look for a job this summer. I don't even care. I want to go to Europe and run away. Run far far away.

People lately have told me that I seem so together. I don't know what else I would do. I'm not ok. I'm really angry and really tired and really sick. I might act like I'm fine, but I don't see any reason to cry and scream and beg and plead and collapse and die. It just won't happen. It's not like any part of this semester has been easy for me. None of it. I feel like my life is ruined. For the first time, I really feel like I have direction, and then it gets all messed up. This is also my chance to do really well. If I'm good at anything, it's school. I'm not the smartest person on earth, but I care about knowlege. And I love to do school work. Now I'm so distracted, that I can't focus, and I can't think straight. So what if I fail this semester, or get all Cs? Law school is so competitive and I don't have a strong advantage over anyone. My only advantage was that I was happy to be here and now I'm not. I'm so tired.

But I guess that life will go on, and it will probably all work out. Perhaps for the best. But maybe I'll get sick again and I won't be as lucky. I hardly feel like I'm lucky now. I have firmly resolved to never have biological children. My genes are not good. I'm am not allowed to have children for at least a year after my treatment because of radioactive, mutant sperm, which is scary. I had to sign a waiver. Even with what Brad likes to call the "Nut Bucket". I guess even though this sucks it's pretty amusing. Maybe law school has been ruined, but I can still graduate. I can still get a good job. Maybe I've just given up too soon. Maybe I need to just take things a day at a time. Maybe. Just maybe.