"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." ~Lucille Ball
As this is the total wellness plan, I should address mental health as it is a vital part of that total plan. I'm constantly trying to improve myself. I want a better life. I want to be happy. I want something more. It evades me. Sometimes I grasp at this vapor of happiness that surrounds me. I run my finger through the fog. I grip it tight. I hold on with a clenched fist so my happiness cannot escape me. When I open my hand, my palm lined with taunts of love and life lays empty. I feel this.
My challenge for this week is to think about who I am. A daunting task, n'est-ce pas? Yes, I'm drawn inward to really ask myself, who am I? I don't know. I think therefore I am, yet I'm more than thoughts. I am more than the sum of my parts, but which parts do you add and which do you take away? I am more than what I do, what I say, what I feel. Trying to define myself leads to more questions than answers. Like happiness the closer I get the more it evades me.
Lately, I feel like a shell. In many ways I have no opinion about anything. I don't care what I eat. I don't care what I do. I don't care what happens. I'm in a perpetual state of blah, and it's scary. I don't want to live in blah forever. I am a pendulum balanced in the center until the slightest breeze pushes me one way or the next. I'm powerless to stop it and I move where the wind wants.
I do not want to whine. I'm not saying this to complain. I'm trying to explain how I feel though grace and dignity often escape me. I can change, I can change, I can change. I want to change. I need to change. I don't want to be me, yet the only solution is to become more of who I am. Paradoxically, the only way to change into someone else is to become a better, more real me.
So, who am I? I am so many things. I am too many things (or just too much) in my opinion. I wish I had a passion. I wish I had a singular focus to identify with. The truth is that I don't, and I probably never will. I have too many diverse interests. I like different things. I don't want to focus on one sport/art/science/task/hobby/etc. because then I would miss out on all the others. Why can't that be my thing? Why can't I be a renaissance man/jack-of-all-trades/dilletante/polymath/universal man? I think I do that really well. I think I'm well read. I'm versed in the arts. I have a basic understanding of all the sciences. I'm down with the law. I speak some languages. I work with computers. Actually, there are very few things I can't do. I'm not a very good singer, but I've still sung karaoke and no one died. I'm not very good at sports (stupid green wedge in Trivial Pursuit) but I'm not clueless. I can't think of much else.
In Europe, when applying for a job you're more likely to submit a curriculum vitae (CV) instead of just a resume. A CV contains more of your personal history than a simple resume. Well, here are my personal curriculum vitae:
Can I define myself in a list? I don’t think so. I can share myself though through some facts about me. It’s not me, but it’s a start. I watch the X-Files every night before I go to bed. I believe names are sacred. I wish I were invisible sometimes so I could just disappear and watch the world unfold. Other times I wish I were famous so I could know what it felt like to be popular. I like to write. I like the color gray and I’m afraid it means I’m mentally ill based on a pop-up video from VH1 back in 1997. I can’t bring myself to watch cartoons anymore and I don’t know why. I have no fear of hospitals or cemeteries; I find them peaceful. I have a good memory but I’m bad at arithmetic, which is basically memorization. It’s more likely I’ll know which way is east than which way is left. I wish I were a wizard. I’m an INTP.
So, this is me. I am who I am. I’m eclectic. I have diverse tastes and opinions and interests. I guess it’s time to celebrate who I am instead of mourning what I’m not. Easier said than done, but shouldn’t I accepted myself a long time ago? Oh, well, I’ve always done things in my time, and I’m cool with that.