Please, Please, Please Let Me Blog What I want

So, Blogger has a new Beta thing. That's cool, but for some reason I can't switch yet. I want my Beta!!! I don't really know what it does, but if you read the info on it, it sounds like some crazy database organization which means you can do cool things. I think that's a good thing. I took some database classes online while at EDS and I didn't realize how crazy database theory is. I liked it though. Part of it is that I'm obsessed with classification and organization. I think this might mean I'm slightly OCD or something. Or maybe autistic? I don't know. I have too many mental disorders.

I don't know why but I like lists, maps, flowcharts, graphs, categories, classifications, outlines and organization. What's funny is that I am not organized in the personal sense. Well, my apartment is messy. But my files on my computer are meticulously arranged. I've spent hours applying names and tags and other labels to files, photos, mp3s and such so I can create a proper system. I will arrange files and folders on my computer so they are properly classified. I can can spend hours looking at maps and graphs and flowcharts. I've been known to memorize nomenclature and classification of anything. I can probably still name the kingdom phylum class order family genus and species that I learned in high school. I memorized the astrological signs. I can name almost any country in the world by looking at it on a map, and for many countries just by seeing the standalone outline of it.

Why am I this way? Maybe I'm slightly OCD. I do have bizzare rituals and actions. My whole family does. My sister doesn't say good-bye because she's afraid if she did someone would die so she says see you later. I just found out my dad counts steps and stairs which I think is crazy and that means he's crazy. I'd probably do that but I'm too lazy. I have this idea that people can only have their name said a set number of times and once their number is up, they die. Every number is random too, so you never know when your number is up. So I don't like to say people's names outloud. Which is hard, because I find it rude. What's very odd is that I don't care when people say my name. I just don't want to be responsible for killing someone.

I think it has to do with anxiety and therefore control. Anxiety and control are related. If you have anxiety, you need control to lessen the anxiety. Often anxiety is about the unknown, or the uncontrollable. To relieve anxiety, people control what they can. You can't control whether someone will die or not, but you can control what you say before they leave. It's all tied together. For me, there's a lot that I can't control, but the thing I can control the most is food. If I eat until I throw up, then I did it. If I eat healthy it's the same. I have all the control. So when I get stressed food factors into it greatly. I heard Dr. Phil talking to a very large woman on his show and he said that food is always there for you, it never makes fun of you, it never teases you. For me, food never leaves you. McDonald's is always open 24 hours somewhere. If I need it, it's there for me.

Maybe that's why I like charts and outlines and graphs. I can organize things in my mind and on paper and on the computer. I have control over it unlike most of life that I have no control over. Control is really an abstract concept, but it is unwaivering. If we have control we have it, if we don't we don't. I don't understand why we try to change what we cannot. I guess that's part of human ingenuity and aspiration. I wish I could just accept what I cannot control and lose all worry because my worry and axiety will control nothing. I wish that I wouldn't try to exert super-control over certain things to compensate.

But for now I'll stare at my outline and graphs and try to organize the world to fit logically and fairly even though it never will.