The Blog of the Flies

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he explained the difference between assertive and aggressive communication. Assertive communication is communicating your thoughts or needs at no one's expense. Aggressive communication is the communication of thoughts or needs at the expense of others. I understand this difference. It's just hard to actually keep all on the assertive side only. It seems like I can communicate my hopes, fears, desires, needs, etc. in an assertive way but it seems like everytime I do no one listens. So I feel the need to communicate in an aggressive (or passive-aggressive) manner in order to convey the same things. Of course, I don't want to do this to the detriment of others.

It feels like my needs are still unfullfilled, even by communicating those needs. But then I thought what makes me think that I deserve everything I need? Sometimes needs are unfulfilled and I need to look at the cause, and balance the need with the cost to others. Of course I'm talking about emotional/psychological needs, not I need a new TV.

Then I started thinking about Sheryl Crow. Now, I know that Sheryl Crow doesn't have communist friends in RVs and she can afford plenty of gas or at least Lance can drive her over on his bicycle, but I'm reminded of a line from "Soak Up the Sun": "It's not having what you want, but it's wanting what you've got." That line lodged itself in my mind. Maybe the problem isn't that I'm not getting what I need, but I must learn to fulfill my needs with what is available. So that means that if I can't change something, I should either accept it, or I should remove myself completely from the situation.

Then I remembered the conversation I had with the Colleague where she said that the only thing you can do is say what you need from a person and remove them from your life if they can't meet those needs or change what you need from someone. So I should change what I need from people if possible and that will lead to more happiness.

Then I thought about the conversation I had with the Consultant who said I should never say should, because should always leads to guilt and of course I shouldn't say should, should I?

Then I thought that I'm taking lessons from Dr. Phil and Sheryl Crow, and that means I'm going crazy.

On Friday, I went to the bar. I got insanely jealous and cruel. I put my own happiness too easily into the hands of others. Actually, Friday was pretty crazy. A bunch of people showed up. There was a lot of randomness. Very strong long islands made by bartender Jeff. Jack showed up with some neighbors. Jay showed up at one. Jeff drove to Adrian to pick up Jason and back again. I felt very obnoxious but I'm over it now. After the bar, while getting pizza someone said that I was "ugly, you know, in the face" and I got pissed. I didn't know this person at all. He was joking but it just annoyed me. I didn't say anything about him looking like a gopher, though he was the quintessential anthropomorphized gopher person. With yellow teeth. And an annoying laugh. I may be ugly, in the face, but I have nice teeth....I think.

Friday morning, Jay and I went out for Black Friday fun. I didn't buy much, since I didn't really have any lists yet or want anything. There seemed like some good deals, but nothing I wanted/needed. What was odd though is that Jay and I didn't have to wait in line at all. For anything. It was strange. Best Buy was dead. I don't know if it was all over or just Jackson.

I did hear from my sister's boyfriend that a couple people grabbed a bunch of stuff and ran out the door and got tackled by a mob of blue-shirted Best Buy employees. Awesome. I wish I could have seen it.

Thanksgiving was boring as usual. I did hear some funny jokes that I must share sometime. Very non-P.C. Very funny though.

Alias has been cancelled. I haven't watched it since the second episode this season though. In fact I haven't seen Lost or Desperate Housewives either. They're boring. I wish I had Tivo or a Tivoish device so I could watch them at my leisure.

Nick & Jessica broke up. I wish I was either of their lawyers. Actually, Nick would probably be better because he's not functionally retarted or related to Ashleeee Simpson by blood. I would like the money either way though. California is a community property state though, so even though Jessica made more money, Nick will probably get half. Too bad he can't take half her career...he needs half a career if not a whole one.

Next week is the last week of class. Argh!

Wednesday was awful driving. I went to A2 to meet Jeff and hang out. We dressed up as semi-Goths and rocked out. It was fun and we danced for 3.5 hours straight. The DJ played a lot of good music. I loved it. It was very fun. Jeff said that his current love interest hasn't called him back in several days. That makes me very sad. But Jeff did get hit on by this 40 year old goth. Ha!

The other day I walked around A2 at night drinking a coffee in the falling snow. I love the cold of winter like a blanket or shield. I love it when you can hear the snow falling because there is no other sound in the world. I love it when you go out at night in the stark cold air and the stars are so bright and sharp they pierce the night. I like gloved hands. I like Christmas lights reflecting off the snow.