Blogger in the Rye

I recently had a conversation with the Colleague about the "state of the union". Essentially, we've decided that all you can do is change what you need from someone, because people are selfish and they will never give you what you need. People don't change. After a lot of thought, I largely subscribe to that idea, but it's really hard. What is means is that if people don't give me what they need, they must be downgraded. I must learn to require less from them. What's sad is that I fear that if I need less from a person, they will no longer have a place in my life. I'm the first one to recognize that relationships--all relationships--have an expiration date. Relationships end. I'm having a harder time accepting it now. I'm having a harder time sticking up for myself.

This weekend I went to Royal Oak. Beckie was housesitting/dogsitting for friends, so I stayed with her so she was less scared of being alone in a creepy house, and I was able to get away. We studied a lot this weekend. I did my Fed Tax outline, and I'm almost up to date on Evidence. Evidence is the bane of my existence. It's confusing and nitpicky. In case you don't know, evidence is essentially a class that teaches you when you can say "Objection". Once you say it, you must give a reason: relevance, prejudice, hearsay, leading question, argumentative, etc.

M-Cam called me this weekend and wanted me to go out for Halloween. I'm not really in an All Hallows Eve kinda mood. I don't have a costume. I don't want to prepare one. I don't want to have a bad costume. I don't want to go. I told him I would and I don't want to lie. Argh. I feel like my life is a disaster and I'm always playing catch up. Ketchup.

On Saturday, we watched Labyrinth and played the Labyrinth drinking game. It was fun. We drank OFTEN. That game is rough. Beckie said that it's probably because children's movies have repetitive themes, so it makes it more easy to set up a game.

Then we watched "Love Actually". The Ultimate Romantic Comedy. That movie wrecks me. It's not right, I know. But I will experience every emotion in the spectrum during that movie. It's a rollercoaster and it destroys me every time. Every time. This time I laughed so hard when at the Christmas pagent I saw the boy with Spider-man face paint and a crown.

I feel bad right now because I don't know what to do. I know what I can do. I know my options. But I don't know what the best plan of action is. Lately I've been thinking back about everything that has happened. I realize I need to change, but I don't know how. I just don't know.

On Thursday, I went to the bar review and it was actually fun. Talked to some first years. Ah, to be a first year again. When we were all allied to "make it through" and now I feel like we're at each other's throats because we're all competing for money and jobs and fame and success. But that's not what I want. I want one thing, and it's the most elusive item on the planet. I think I'll never find it.

The Colleague says that friendship is a "crap-shoot". I guess that's largely true. I don't think of it so much as a coincidence but fate. People enter and leave my life for a reason. If I didn't randomly sit next to the Colleague in Legal Research and Writing, my life would have been completely different. And if we didn't sit in front of Steve and Tim for that matter. I feel closer to the Colleague than most people. We've got history and we have been friends for barely any amount of time. I don't know if it was accelerated by circumstances, or fate, or choice. I'm glad I met the Colleague.

I feel with some of my friends we're still children together. We have a hard time breaking through into adulthood or acknowledging that the other is an adult or adultish. I want to take our relationship into adulthood and become closer on a totally different level, but it's hard. It's hard to change from the person you always were, to the person you've become. I just want you to know that you can always talk, and I'll always listen. We've been through a lot and we'll go through more. I just wish I was more a part of your life, and you were part of mine.

I feel so much. But it is wasted. It's wasted on cheap alcohol. It's wasted on television. It's wasted on people I don't know or like. I have so much to give, but no one wants it. No one needs it. Therefore, it rots inside me, a festering, decaying mess.

"But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you." Always.