Sorry I havent posted in a while. I've been around but not doing much online. My computer was not working since I had to wait for the power cable to arrive, but after that I just forgot to blog.
Not much is going on here. I've just been hanging out, watching movies, hanging out with the law students here for the summer on thursdays. There has been lots of drama here. I guess the Dean stepped down as Dean over the contract, and the Assistant Dean stepped down too, so now we have no Dean, and no one knows whats going to happen in the fall. They're both still on as instructors, but not deans. There is also some personal drama that I can't share here, but it's crazy. Law students are CRA-ZY.
Finally, the hair has started growing back on my stomach so I won't have a weird missing patch. It's weird how there are side effects that aren't serious, that you would never think of, but it still affects you.
I think that all my crazy bills are now paid off for the medical procedures. My parents helped me out with the last bit. I'll have to remember to pay them back. I owe everyone in the world money. *sigh* So I'm thinking about increasing my debt by buying a new laptop. Hurrah!
Tonight I'm going to Adrian to meet Jay and Jason and go to El Chapulin for dinner. Mmmm...green sauce. Maybe I'll get a Margarita....
Tomorrow my parents and I are going to Shipshewanna. I don't know if anyone else has been there, but it's a small town in Indiana Amish country with a big flea market. There is a lot of crap and a lot of stuff you would see on infomercials, but there are also some neat crafts and antiques and interesting items. They also have good food. I just hope it's not scorching hot. I don't like the scorching.
Then on Friday I'm going with Jay and Eric to Toronto Pride. I'm looking forward to it. Honestly, I'm a little scared. I'm having a low self-esteem day today (is that like an ozone action day?). It makes me very angry. I don't know why I give a f--- what people think of me. Seriously, I have this delusions of grandeur and pity that they are all going to laugh at me. Why do I have such irrational fears? Counselor Sherri says that looks do not matter and people look more for kindness, sense of humor, compassion, friendliness. I don't believe her. I think that ugly people are unlovable. There, I've said it. That's what I believe, but is it true? It seems that when I look around, the people with the best personalities, the most kind, most caring people I know are still alone. But then some times I get the balls (or ball as it were) to give the world a big FU (rah rah rah) and not care what people think of me, because I don't want to be with them if they are that shallow. But I'm that shallow too. I feel like I act the same way. I'm just as vain as everyone else. Why does everyone push each other away? Why does love seem to be a limited quantity?
I guess it's time to change.
5 comments:
Ryan, you are beautiful. I know. I've seen you. Through the window. While you sleep. I like your pajamas. Love, Austin.
You are beautiful. No matter what they say. Words can't bring you down.
I don't agree that ugly people are unlovable. However, I don't think you're ugly, so that doesn't really matter. I agree that everyone judges based on appearance to a certain degree, but I also think that people are only loved as much as they will allow themselves to be.
Beckie
ryan, I don't know if you read my blog, but I have been going through many of the same love quandries, myself. All I can say is that everyone is loveable, in their own way. It is never shallow (many will disagree with me and that's their right) to insist that you are attracted to the one you love. What is full-on true love without the combination of spiritual, romantic and lustful desires. When those passions are not in a relationship, the best you have is a friendship. We all seek a partner to objectify AND for whom to feel deeper affection.
Even if I'm wrong in my above understandings, I know that I care deeply for you. Of course, as you know it's not a romantic love, but that's a matter of my sexuality, and has nothing to do with your loveability or looks.
Thanks for the support. I don't know if I believe you. As a uber-scientist especial I have to go by what I see, and what I see appears to correspond with what I have written. Maybe it's just a self fulfilling prophecy....
I, too, have my own issues with love these days. But, no matter how much I may dislike love right now, I simply don't think that anyone is unloveable.
Especially not someone as bright, fun, caring, interesting, and basically decent as you are - no matter what you may feel about yourself, you're as deserving of love as everyone else, if not more. Why more? Because it means something to you. Those who value love deeply are those who will best appreciate it and care for it, even if it means that love might be harder to find.
And, it doesn't matter whether or not you believe it - I believe that you are loveable and deserve love, based on what I consider to be the important aspects of appearance...
The ones on the inside.
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