Revelation & Commencement

I talked to a friend that I met online the other day and we talked about a lot of different stuff. And I've said things that I've never said to anyone before, and to my surprise I didn't die or dissolve, like I expected to. I finally came to a realization about my life.

When my dad became sick, and because of the really bad timing, I stopped aging. Of course I continued growing and aging physically but I stopped growing mentally. I've grown intellectually but my thought processes are still of a 12 year old. I still have the same stupid jr high insecurities, I still can't process my feelings like I should, I still can't admit to myself the evitable truths before me. I think that I built a wall and became an emotional and mental hermit, isolating myself from the rest of the world.

I don't know how this happened, and I don't think it's anyone's fault and I certainly think that blame would not help anything. I think that a combination of profound loss, realization of mortality, daily panic attacks, sexual awakening, chronic depression, and just general self-hatred have taken me to where I am today. I saw the road ahead and I was powerless to stop it. I couldn't turn around and I couldn't take another road, instead I trudged along like a good little soldier or perhaps more like a drone.

I want to please everyone at cost to myself. I want to be perfect and display a facade of perfection, but I will never be perfect. I need to start surrounding myself with people who don't hurt me and who don't drag me down. I need to be myself without sacrificing anything. I need to accept myself and discard anyone who won't accept me. I need to stop talking like self-help books, even though everything I've said is true.

Is this the beginning or the end? Is this the proverbial first day of the rest of my life? I think of it as one step closer to enlightenment, nirvana, heaven. First I need to forgive myself so I can let good things happen to me. I need to stop hating myself so much that I choose hell over heaven, ignorance over enlightenment, and dukkha over nirvana. I will no longer suffer at my own expense.

It has begun.